


Losing Him

by charmainders



Series: GotG || Peter & Gamora [7]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Death, Developing Relationship, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Near Death Experiences, Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 00:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14965025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: It's inevitable to risk their lives to the danger that exists around them in the vast galaxy; everyday is a potential threat that never does end. They can't escape it, much like their arguments, because as much as they wish to, it's a part of their lives.Gamora just thinks it's happened far too often. And when it comes to losing Peter, it's happened more than she'd like to think about it.





	Losing Him

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, if you haven't seen Infinity War, please don't read this.

The first time Gamora loses him, Peter's eyes are purple in hue, his brunette hair a mess, and his skin disintegrating from his body as he writhed on the ground from the extreme pain that the stone in his hand was causing him, surrounding all of the Guardians and Ronan in a circling purple cloud of ash and rock.

She knows that the Power Stone is more than just capable of killing, it was capable of wiping out _populations_ and _planets_. Who's to say what will happen to Peter if they allow him to shoulder the responsibility of bearing the pain on his own? Yes, he's an absolute damn idiot for even jumping to grab the stone without thinking for a second, but she also knows that they're a team now. Teammates don't leave each other behind. The least she can do, she tells herself, is to go through the pain with him.

Crawling with every bit of energy she has out of the pain she's experiencing, she gets to her feet, struggling to even say anything. Her skin is cracking, her eyes can only see nothing but things in a clouded purple hue. Yet she tries by raising her arm forward; her frantic yelling the only thing she can hear at this moment. 

_"Peter! Take my hand!"_

It seems like he hesitates for just a moment, or in a way loses himself to the ripping sensation that's pulling his skin apart. It takes a while, but eventually he does hold onto her hand. Gamora lets out a loud cry of pain, the power of the Stone flowing through her veins like the equivalent of multiple electric currents. She's in utter pain; her right hand clenched into a fist to fight the pain, the scream that's been stuck in her throat finally being released. This might be the last time she'll hold someone's hand like this. It might not be intimate, but she's holding the hand of her teammate, and one of her friends, something that she hasn't had in many years, ever since Thanos took that away from her. Somehow, she thinks she doesn't mind dying - at least Gamora died among her newfound friends. 

And she closes her eyes, just for a bit more, until the power doesn't affect them anymore. The power no longer has an effect of them, and her vision is no longer cloudy. She's still seeing things in purple, but the pain no longer exists. She's surprised that they managed to conquer the pain, and together with the rest of the team, they destroy Ronan, reducing him to nothing but ash on the ground in front of them.

Even though she's still angry at Peter for recklessly grabbing the Power Stone, she's aware of the fact that he's alive, and that's all Gamora really cares about now.

* * *

The second time she loses Peter, it's not because he's about to die.

He's sincere about the dance. The melody of the song is incredibly sweet, unlike all the other songs that the rest of the Guardians were so accustomed to listening to on the ship. The lyrics are _romantic_ , and subconsciously it feels like that got her uncomfortable. No, she wasn't uncomfortable because of Peter, instead it was her feelings.

Cue the stupid argument.

She knows from the start that it was a big mistake to even try and reason with Peter about how the planet made her uneasy. By this time, she knows that Ego would've tried to convince him to stay and continue the Celestial heritage. But she had her reasons to be suspicious, Mantis had been incredibly fishy with them and she felt unsettled. Yet Peter cared about finally finding his father, claiming that he'd finally found his family.

And it hurt.

Why did she choose to be so damn _stupid?_

She could've just enjoyed the moment. His right hand on the dip and rise of her waist, gently touching her and allowing her the space she needed. Her left hand holding his shoulder, and her right hand curled a little as Peter held it, running his thumb over her knuckles as both of them swayed along to the melody. If she were to be brutally honest, Gamora enjoyed every single second of it. Granted it wasn't the first time they'd done this, but she still feels as if Peter's arms is where she rightfully belongs. Yet she refuses to admit it to herself _a hundred percent_ that she may be feeling romantic love for Peter too. 

Thanos trained her to be emotionless. But instead, he'd trained her to be afraid of emotions. And she despises him for it.

If only it were that easy to truly express and come to admit that she felt the same way for Peter, she wouldn't have let other issues come in the way of their peaceful dance session on the balcony, amidst the gorgeous sight of the sky; the gorgeous and luxurious colours intertwining to become a painting-esque backdrop.

It feels as if she's lost Peter. And it's her fault.

* * *

The third time she loses him, it's only then that she truly realizes how the Guardians have had one too many close shaves with death.

The planet is exploding, it's falling in on itself. The once painting-esque backdrop of the skies are now polluted with dust, ash, and nothing but a dark atmosphere to match the tone of how dark the situation is. She's busy taking care of a passed-out Mantis, who's been out cold since a rock hit her full force to the head. She's alright; she won't suffer anything else than a possible concussion. Nebula is beside her, currently working through her cybernetic arm to work through the broken bits and pieces. The three of them sit in the boarding bay of the ship, with Kraglin and Drax on the flight deck, awaiting the rest of the Guardians and Yondu to return.

Gamora has just managed to brush a piece of Mantis' fringe out of the way, when Rocket comes flying back, with Groot sat on his shoulder. He takes a moment to let the tiny flora colossus jump off before taking out a ticking time display, and she notices that the red letters are flashing with less than a minute left. Her heart sinks immediately, and she knows it might be too late.

"Rocket, where is he?"

No response. The raccoon does nothing but continue to stare at the time display.

_"Rocket, look at me! Where is he?!"_

There's no response, nothing. When she does look down to Groot, the concerned baby with wide eyes points back to where they'd just flown in from. She doesn't sit to think, immediately she's on her feet and she's off to go get Peter. She's desperate to get him back safely. Gamora grabs the nearest gun, in the midst of telling herself, "No, I'm not leaving _without_ him." 

There's no hesitation in her actions as she loads the gun up, ready to fire if she needed it. She takes a big step forward, but instead she gets an electric wave sent through her, and she collapses to the ground, motionless, unable to say anything; passed out cold.

* * *

She's let him slip too many times.

And one of them happened to be her fault. The latest incident was indirectly her fault too, she thinks.

Finally, in the peace and tranquility of the Quadrant, locked away in the Captain's Quarters, she allows herself to indulge in the moment. It's been about a week since they lost Yondu. They're all still mourning, she's aware. Rocket is silent, which is incredibly uncharacteristic of him; Drax and Mantis have taken time to accompany Groot while the rest recover, claiming that they were emotionally okay; leaving Gamora alone with Peter.

Peter never fully asked Gamora to move into his room with him. To be real, she was the one who made the move of accompanying him to bed for the first two nights, until he told her to stay for the night on the third, and it's been that way since. She began to notice the dark eye circles developing, and the way he's been slouching at the flight deck during his shift with her. He'd find ways to get close to Gamora, including leaning on her shoulder or pulling her close by her waist to hug her. Peter had fallen asleep once during his shift in the last week, and during the sleep she had also taken notice of how he'd been frowning, his eyebrows furrowed and his forehead creased. 

It got her worried.

Peter is now curled up in bed, the blanket covering him just up to his chest, his head in her lap. His snores are slightly rhythmic, low in octave. She likes it. It's soothing to know he's fully alive, in her care, finally getting the rest he very much needs. His eyebrows aren't furrowed; his forehead isn't creased. Gamora enjoys how peaceful he looks, drinking in the sight of how vulnerable yet adorable he looks while he sleeps. Like this, he looks like a child; his innocence now returned to him, and in a world where nobody could hurt him no more.

Gamora wants this to last forever, if it could. Their _unspoken thing_ was less unspoken now that they've both acknowledged it, but she's still finding ways to let herself open up about her feelings to him about it. She still feels terrible for that argument they had on Ego. Peter has repeatedly told her that it was his fault for being insensitive, but yet she can't help but feel it was her fault for not being careful with her words and the way she expressed her thoughts, much less the choice of poor timing when they spoke about it. 

She watches him sleep. Gamora is tired, she won't deny, but just watching Peter sleep is enough for her, for the time being. Her fingers comb through his brunette locks, the way she likes it since she first saw him on Xandar. Her fingers then proceed down his face to trace his jaw, and she rests her palm against his cheek, running her thumb against his cheekbone, in a loving manner. She's still trying her best to come to terms that perhaps she has indeed fallen for Peter, but it's not as bad as she once thought it would be. Gamora knows that even if she takes a while to fully come to admit that she's in love with him, she knows that that love won't die. It's funny, really, that she's finally able to love again. 

And it wouldn't have happened if they didn't meet on Xandar.

Losing Peter wasn't necessarily all bad. Gamora may have blamed herself for the last two times it did happen, but she then realizes, that even if she's lost Peter more than she'd like to think about it, it did help her to come to terms with the fact that she did, in fact, have feelings for him, and that she cared for him on more than just a level of friendship. 

But yet, she hopes that that would be the last time she loses him, because she loves him.

* * *

She's falling.

Her body has entered free fall, her hair rising to meet the direction of the wind. The sound of the wind is choppy in her ears, made worse by her enhancements. She tries to scream, but her throat is stuck and all it does is let out a silent screech. Her tears are flying upwards, not downwards. She can't stop any of this, there's nothing to grab onto. She desperately wants to hope that this is all a nightmare; one that she'll soon wake up from, and she'll find herself in his comforting, muscular arms.

All she can think about is Peter.

She's losing him.

But this time, it's for good.

When her body finally hits the hard and cold ground, all she remembers is the way he kissed her head lovingly, just nights ago on the _Benatar_ , whilst spending one of their numerous flight deck duties together, cuddled up in his seat as they watched the vast galaxy together, with mugs of hot cocoa in their hands, a secret recipe that Peter remembers from Terra and has never made it for any of the other Guardians except _her._

Her tears finally fall down the right way.

All she can think about is Peter.

Her worst fear has come true.

_"I'm sorry."_

**Author's Note:**

> Well. . .I don't know what exactly I was thinking when I wrote this, because all I had in mind was exploring Gamora's emotions towards Peter. It's just one big sob fest and I may regret writing this because it's so sad. I apologize for breaking your hearts. Infinity War still has me broken.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! Leave me comments!


End file.
